Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
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Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”