not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
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You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
🍛
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?