GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore