My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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Life with a cat in one tweet
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you