“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
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My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Noted.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.