My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Realize this:
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.