11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
You Might Also Like
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.