[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Great acting.. 😂
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew