Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally