Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
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I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Just got to our Airbnb!
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone