PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
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I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I’m good, thanks.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no