Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
You Might Also Like
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.