Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
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“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there