“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
You Might Also Like
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
“you changed” bro i was 15
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.