Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Love it! 👍😂
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!