*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
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The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁