20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
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Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.