Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Wednesday
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time