Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!