The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
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Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Don’t make me out nice you.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.