I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
lmao
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”