Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
You Might Also Like
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
No Google it does not
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!