CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
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I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Good news
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.