Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
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If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.