When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
You Might Also Like
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
me logging onto twitter
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.