Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
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Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.