I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
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*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
My blood type is b hungry.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.