The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Love it! 👍😂