DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
time for some seasonal decor
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo