there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
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I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.