My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
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If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Smooooooth
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.