[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
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Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: