me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
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[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]