A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
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I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it