Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
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Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas: