*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
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Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
when you don’t want to be too vague
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.