My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
You Might Also Like
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I forgot how to panic. Help
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”