ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
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The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.