Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
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If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Reporter: *ports again*
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.