Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
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god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”