Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
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My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor