These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
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as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.