me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
a lot to unpack here
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there