I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
You Might Also Like
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
The news in a nutshell.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors