Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
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ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
When the pandemic ends, don鈥檛 forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn鈥檛 really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x虏+y+8[(x+2y虏 = a-z]+2x鲁+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z鲁 = k= 9 in real life.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 馃槧
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Her: What鈥檚 with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I鈥檓 on the phone.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I miss this era type of pranks馃槶
The only time I miss masking is after I鈥檝e eaten an Oreo