Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads