My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
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I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Sunday
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
The Struggle
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.