How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
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[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.