There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
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SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text