Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
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“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
somewhere, in an alternate universe
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*